What is the name of your lost one and what was your relationship?
Robert Norman Nelson aka Bob or Bobby depending on how Texan you are. He was my dad or daddy (see above Texan reference). He called me Marc, even though it’s not my name. He was funny as hell and smart as a whip. He thoughtfully answered every question I ever had. Like, he was actually able to answer, “How do planes fly?” He explained the theories of lift, buoyancy, you name it. He was the most frugal and gentle person I have ever met. He cried at movies and music most of the time. He played piano. He loved opera and Hank Williams. He joined the military so they would pay for dental school and gave 22 years of his life to the U.S. Army. He and his partner removed my wisdom teeth themselves (at a dental office) and on the way home he gave me half a Vicodin and handed me his Keystone tall boy for a pull as he got behind the wheel. It was Texas in the 80’s. He became a pilot and loved wearing hats. My small town east Texas periodontist father had the odd ‘fortune’ of being infamous Nazi, Rudolph Hess’s, Spandau prison dentist while stationed in Berlin.
When did you find out, where were you?
October 2016. I was at home, living in Berlin at the time, when my mom called.
What surprised you about your own response?
That I didn’t really cry, and was mostly sad for my mom. I did, almost immediately, realize that I wouldn’t be able to ask him anymore questions, or more accurately, receive any answers. He had passed away in his sleep at 81 having held court at he and my mother’s weekly ‘free-thinkers’ night. He drank rum and cokes and waxed liberal though he was a fierce Goldwater republican. My mom thought she was letting him sleep in, and around 1pm did another check in to see why he was still asleep, as that was a bit late, even for him. She went to wake him up but he was gone. He had an extremely peaceful look on his face having calmly died in his pajamas tucked under the covers. It’s hard to get busted up over that. He definitely could have a had a few more years though. I also think he was ready. He was tired and not fit. He struggled with COPD from years of smoking. For me the sadness and emptiness crept in slowly over time. As the world kept on spinning, realizing that he was simply gone, sucked.
Where do you think they went? How do you feel about the concept of a legacy?Reincarnation? Spirits/souls?
This is always a tough one. I don’t really know and it depends on the person and situation. I don’t think it’s universal. Sometimes I see a bird and think it’s my grandmother, but that’s cause she loved swallows and my mom swears a bird followed her around after she died. My dad did not with one iota, believe in any sort of afterlife or anything. He was Mr. science and biology. That said, I think I believe in energies or spirits, because some things are unexplainable. For me, when I hear, music that he liked, specifically old school country or opera, I’m instantly transported to him on some astral plane. I think in reality, I’m just fondly thinking of him and two things are happening. One, I’m deeply connected to the love we shared as father and son and the happiness and pride that brought and continues to bring me. And two, knowing that he’s gone. Sometimes I just wish he could see my kids become teenagers and young adults, and meet my partner. He would have fucking loved her.
How did you/your family mark the death? Was there a traditional or untraditional ceremony etc and what do you remember most?
He had two ceremonies. One full Military one with a 21 gun salute and a small burial when his military headstone was ready to be firmly inserted into the dirt. My mom is very symbolic and nostalgic, so am I, though my affliction is not quite as acute. We celebrate his life often in our day to day. She has a shrine of photos up on his birthday. She sends me photos all the time and I think about him often. I remember his kindness and complete and total no bullshit attitude towards literally everything he did. He was the most generous person in the world. He’d give his family absolutely everything but would also save a paper napkin and reuse it multiple times until it was gross. He used to bring us food from the mess hall when he was in the army everyday. He bought me my first skateboard and built my first bike. He loved hunting but couldn’t kill anything, which makes hunting difficult as it typically requires killing an animal. He shot his one and only deer and then wept afterward. From then on, he just went on hunts because he loved the camaraderie and tradition. He loved cats like a freak and wouldn’t let me talk when we went fishing. He drank vodka tonics in a Denver Broncos plastic 32 oz sippy cup almost permanently affixed to his hand. Egg McMuffins were our road trip go to unless there was a Whataburger around. He took me skiing a lot which was something we all loved as a family. One time on the ski lift when I was probably 11 or 12, I asked him, would he be sad if I fell out of the lift and died? His epic reply after careful and considerable evaluation was this, “Sure I would be, for at least a week.”
What’s the most annoying or unhelpful thing someone told you when you lost someone? What was the best / most useful / most comforting?
I can’t remember anything annoying or unhelpful or the latter.
How do you feel grief today? Where does it manifest in your body?
I have a sensitive stomach. Whatever grieving is going on usually ends up there or in my neck and shoulders. Some days, I’m totally unaware it’s grief and on others, I’m locked into it. I think it ends up in my stomach when I’m not dealing with it. Some might say, duh. Equally, my parents were very open and vocal about death. I was literally raised to be ready for it. It’s as much a part of living as brushing your teeth.
What is one logistic related to death that surprised you?
That they can wheel you out of a freezer, put your picture on some schlocky flat screen, turn on some fake candles at the strip mall funeral home, and then negotiate urn prices while you’re thawing out during the Enya playlist.
Do you have any rituals for your lost one? Can you share a photo?
Whenever I play music like Hello Walls and He'll Have To Go or do anything remotely country.
Has grief changed your being, your overall point of view?
I don’t think so. I guess maybe as I get older I understand or recognize it better.
What advice would you give someone who just lost someone important to them?
I would recommend doing something that person liked to do, and going on long walks in nature and talking to them; either out loud (you just look like you’re on your phone) or internally. I’d love to mow a lawn.
Do you want to share something from your lost one? A song, a recipe, a saying, etc.
It took him like 30 meticulous minutes to make a sandwich. It had to be perfect. Every time. Assembling a sandwich was as important to him as defusing a bomb. It has to be precise or the whole thing becomes a mess. Rather than guilt you for not trying to make it perfectly yourself, he would casually guide you into wanting to make it perfectly the next time. He loved to say “never half-ass anything” and “you better get out and mow that lawn ‘fore it gets too hot”.
This was his favorite:
Boy: “Hey mister, what’s that?”
Newsstand fella: “Life magazine.”
Boy: “How much does it cost?”
Newsstand fella: “10 cents.”
Boy: “I only gotta nickel.”
Newsstand fella: “That’s life.”
Beautiful tribute
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