I always see it as a circle, or a plate, or a pizza pie
By Michael "Mookie" Giugliano
What is the name of your lost one and what was your relationship?
Billy, my dad.
When did you find out, where were you?
I found out he was in the hospital at a work dinner in NYC. I was living in London at the time, I had just handed in my notice, and my boss still wanted me to come to NY to help plan the strategy for the year ahead. Which made absolutely no sense, and I was so annoyed that I had to go. But when I got the call from all my siblings, I was a 30 minute Uber from the hospital. We were at the hospital with my dad altogether for a little less than a week. The doctors told us there was nothing left for them to try. So we all said goodbye around his hospital bed, together and one by one, to then let my mom have some time alone with him.
What surprised you about your own response?
I’m surprised by how long the clouds stay with you. I didn’t really feel okay for a year and a half. Then after two years I felt like I got back on my feet. I’m used to moving through things quickly, but this was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Where do you think they went? How do you feel about the concept of a legacy? Reincarnation? Spirits/souls?
I have no clue where he is. I think there is part of me that doesn’t want to define that so strictly. I think he is “around”. That is the best word I can use. And it’s not a lazy word, it’s something I believe in and it’s a comforting belief. He is around.
How did you/your family mark the death? Was there a traditional or untraditional ceremony etc and what do you remember most?
We did a traditional wake and funeral. It was the first time I had been in a church for years. My outfit was ridiculous because I didn’t pack anything on that work trip that was serving “Dad’s funeral”. I remember the size of the line at the wake. Usually you do 2 hours, break for an hour, and then do another 2 hours. The line was so long we had to stay through. My friend Megan compared the size of the crowd to “A Gaga Concert”. I mostly remember the moments of levity like that. I remember my friend Natalie came in from the city with her mom, Annette, and Natalie was in a full Alaia look.
When I die, I don’t want a traditional ceremony. I want a party with food and music and booze. It felt like we almost had to comfort all these people when I think we were hurting the most. I remember looking at my mom and seeing her have to greet all these people and receive their sadness. It’s very generous of the family hosting. After the funeral we went to the club my family grew up spending Summers at, and we got wasted. It was exactly what we needed and what I meant when I described what I want for my own funeral. By the end, it was me and my siblings and all of our respective best friends and immediate family. And we were all hysterically laughing, telling jokes, telling stories. My friends will still ask, “can I describe that day as fun or is that insensitive?” My dad wouldn’t haven’t had it any other way.
What’s the most annoying or unhelpful thing someone told you when you lost someone? What was the best / most useful / most comforting?
No one really said anything annoying or unhelpful. And if they did, I clearly blocked it out. My boyfriend Karim provided the most healing advice. When I got to the point in the grief process where I just missed my dad so badly, I could feel it on a physical level. I had this recurring thought, I would give up literally anything I have to offer just to have one day with my dad and my family. Karim told me, the cool part of grief is now you get to define what your relationship with your dad looks and feels like and the form it takes. It’s for no one to tell you it’s valid or real – it’s entirely for me. I love that. And I still remind myself of that today. I can talk to him when I want. I can listen when I want. I can include him on special days, can ask him to be there during big or scary moments. How that relationship looks from now on is only for me to decide.
How do you feel grief today, where does it manifest in your body?
I had lower back pain during the grief process. The same exact spot. For me, grief can manifest in the form of tightness. I get very closed down and closed off. Grief is no longer this blanket that covers me constantly. It hasn’t surprised me in a while, but sometimes it will catch up to me when I least expect it. I guess it’s just the moments I wish he could be there with me.
What is one logistic related to death that surprised you?
I think home and tax stuff, more so my mom needed to consider.
Do you have any rituals for your lost one? Can you share a photo?
I try to carry him with me during happy moments. When I have those moments in life that are very calm and peaceful, and I’m realising I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, and I’m doing a really good job at everything I’m working on. I always try to take him with me in those moments and also to thank him during those moments, because he gave me so many tools that set me up to achieve all that. I think recognising his birthday also feels like an important ritual. And I think talking about him feels important. Reminding the people who knew him, and introducing him to the people that weren’t lucky enough to meet him by telling stories, noting things he loved and hated.
Has grief changed your being, your overall point of view?
Absolutely. The word I keep coming back to through this process is “capacity”. For me, thinking about capacity through the process was so important. I always see it as a circle or a plate or a pizza pie lol. And it represents what im capable of dealing with at any given time. In the beginning, grief consumed the whole pie. So I couldn’t give anything to work. I couldn’t give anything to friends. I couldn’t give anything to my boyfriend. I couldn’t even give much to my family who was dealing with exactly what I was dealing with. Slowly my capacity to deal with anything other than grief got slightly bigger. But the grief wasn’t getting any smaller, so my pie was just getting bigger. As time goes on, your capacity to deal with life, grief, adversity really grows. So I think what has changed the most is just being able to deal with more. And as a result, ironically, I tolerate less. I don’t tolerate people who don’t treat me properly, situations or environments that don’t make me feel good. I’m much more intentional with who has access to me, and more honest when something doesn’t make me feel good.
What advice would you give someone who just lost someone important to them?
It’s a really long and confusing process. I don’t think people talk about the confusing aspect enough. There’s something extra comforting about discussing things with people who have experienced grief first hand. I started multiple “Dead Dad Clubs” with friends who were going through similar situations. The absurdity of grief is much harder when you’re facing it alone. Try your best to be a friend to yourself in the process. At the 1 year mark, I hit my lowest point. I think half of that was pressure I was putting on myself for “not doing better” than I was. I had this expectation for myself of where I should be. Looking back, how unfair and fucked up? I would never do that to a friend, why was I willing to do it to myself. And lastly, get a therapist if you don’t have one and you can afford one. Sometimes that 1 hour a week, even if it’s spent just crying, can be a game changer. I also tried to think about grief from a practical POV. I was very careful when I drank or partied. I really chose those moments. Hangovers took on a whole other meaning, and even a glass of wine or beer at dinner just set me up to feel a bit lower the next day. I exercised obsessively. For me it was an hour a day I didn’t have grief completely taking over my mind. And I favoured really physical work outs, which I think allowed my to release the anger I was feeling. And lastly, I really tried to take a walk and get a coffee every morning. Just to kind of check in with myself and see how I was doing each day so I could have a better grasp on what I needed that day.
