The postman was one of many
by Camilla Arthur
What is the name of your lost one and what was your relationship?
John Norman Stewart Arthur - General Sir Norman Arthur KCB, CVO, my father.
When did you find out, where were you?
I had been with him the whole of the day before, but my Stepmother called to say that he had actually died. I think I was at home, but it is all a bit of a blur still as I had been driving down to the hospice every other day for a week or so.
What surprised you about your own response?
Almost nothing as I was in a daze and operating like some kind of robot for a while. I was particularly sad as Dad had introduced me to all his nurses the day before he died and was telling them that I had come to collect him to take him to a family Christmas lunch party - which of course I couldn’t do as he was literally on his death bed.
Where do you think they went? How do you feel about the concept of a legacy?Reincarnation? Spirits/souls?
I reckon Dad went straight to the ‘cloud’ that Mum is living on now, where she has been waiting for him. I don’t really believe in God or in Heaven amongst rolling white clouds and pearly gates, but I do like to think there is more than a black nothing. My father had spent much of his life putting his all into our family home in Scotland. It was his legacy and his gift to our family, in the hope that it would be home to the Arthur family for generations to come. As my brother had said he wanted to live there, it was agreed that he and his family would inherit the home that Dad had invested so much of his life, his hard work, his dreams and plans into building. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case and the house was put on the market just a few months after his death, resulting in the very last thing my father would ever have wanted; the permanent falling out of my brother and I.
How did you/your family mark the death? Was there a traditional or untraditional ceremony etc and what do you remember most?
His funeral was held up in Scotland where he lived and he is now buried next to my mum in the most beautiful churchyard in the middle of green hills and grazing sheep. The Church is a couple of miles away. Then, as he was quite successful and loved by many there was a small memorial service down in England too. What I remember most and what touched me most was when the postman in Scotland came up to me as he walked into the church and told me that he would never have missed the opportunity to say goodbye to my Dad as it had been an honour to deliver his post for over 30 years. The postman was one of many, many people who had come from all over Scotland AND England to say goodbye and pay their respects. I felt so proud and honoured to have been his daughter.
What’s the most annoying or unhelpful thing someone told you when you lost someone?
The most annoying thing has been hearing my brother diss my father and point out all the habits of Dad’s that he found annoying. This, I found unnecessary and uncalled for, especially so soon after we had lost Dad, but I am my father’s daughter - Camilla Arthur - also to blame and I am ashamed to have involved myself in a fight over my father’s ‘legacy’. It has made me feel sick that I have struggled to ‘rise above the acrimonious dialogue between my sibling and I. I hate that I have allowed an imbalance of inheritance to ‘get at me’ as much as it has. My father was never a rich man, mostly because he had lost the ‘family wealth’ when Lloyds crashed, but also he didn’t have a love of money and never put it above kindness, love, or succor. He always found someone that needed what money he had more than he did and he got joy from giving it to the needy. So to fall out with my only sibling over money makes me so deeply ashamed, but my anger is still too strong as of yet.
What was the best / most useful / most comforting?
This is the easiest question for me to answer as the day before Dad died I was sitting with him alone and I asked him if he was frightened of death. He opened his eyes and sat up, looking me in the eye, he explained that he was in fact, “really rather excited to finally find out what happens next”. He went on to explain that as most of his life he had been a practising Christian and that as part of the teachings of Christ and the Apostles was the gift that God had given to humanity, namely life after death; so on the one hand it was a given... but the practical soldier in him however was not quite so easily convinced and consequently, he was dying to find out! Apologies for the pun, but it couldn’t be avoided!
How do you feel grief today? Where does it manifest in your body?
I miss my Father almost every day still and I definitely think of him daily. Writing this has brought about the usual ache in my chest and dryness in my throat.
What is one logistic related to death that surprised you?
It is very clear to me now that I too will also die, a fact that until my parents died seemed so distant that it may possibly never happen to me at all. In fact, trying to come to terms with my mortality has been an uncomfortable ride and now, without the buffer of the older generation, I find myself next in line to find out what is going to happen next...
Do you have any rituals for your lost one? Can you share a photo?
It is still too painful to think too much about my Dad. He was my rock, my James Bond, my conscience and my guide.
Has grief changed your being, your overall point of view?
I don’t think so, but I am not entirely sure. My friends were possibly getting fed up with my tears after about 6 months.
What advice would you give someone who just lost someone important to them?
The pain WILL ease, it will likely be a slow transition from deep grief to where I am now, which is a place where I am able to talk about my father without dissolving into tears. You will get there too. Don’t force yourself to heal fast just to suit others as we’re all so different and the relationships we have had with the person that we’ve lost will also be so different that comparisons are pointless.